Standpoint

This is a new feature, giving everyone a chance to talk about anything and everything – music, current affairs, your club or organisation, hobbies, loves and hates, gossip etc. In fact anything you think would be interesting to other supporters of the band.

Please E-mail your thoughts to the.standards@ntlworld.com and it could appear HERE (we will of course edit or may not publish any material deemed to be offensive, libellous, in breach of copyright or otherwise harmful).

COME ON – GIVE IT A TRY...

Dear Standards, You keep saying you are the best band, but I've seen you once and I don't like anything about you. You are too loud, the songs are poor, you all stand in the wrong places, you dress terribly, not one of you can play an instrument or sing in tune, you look tired, you don't connect with the audience, there is no humour in your music or patter, you all need a wash, your instruments and microphones are low quality, you appear semi-intoxicated, you allow non band members onto the stage area in a kind of disgusting 'free for all' dance ceremony, you allow the removal of mens shirts at hot concerts - revealing TATTOOS of all things, your hair needs combing, there is a smell of 'passed wind' around you, none of you are that cute and your bulges are tiny. Yours - Mona Lott, Central Leeds. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES: MONA, WE ARE GETTING THE FEELING THAT YOU MAY NOT BE 100% SATISFIED. IF YOU THINK WE'RE POOR, YOU NEED TO SEE SOME OF THE OTHER BANDS ON THE LOCAL SCENE AND MAKE A COMPARISON. EITHER THAT OR DRINK 10 PINTS BEFORE SEEING US PLAY. THAT WAY WE WILL IMPROVE NO END.

Dear Standards, Will you come and play in our humble church this Sunday - it's all for charity and we have heard you play a super tune and really get the congregation going. Yours - Dale E Bread, St. Andards Church. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES: DALE - WE WILL, AS LONG AS YOU CAN GUARANTEE THE FOLLOWING - A GOOD STAGE WITH LARGE DANCEFLOOR, FREE BEER AND CHINESE ALL DAY, SCANTILY CLAD LADIES TO CARRY OUR GEAR, PERMISSION FOR BLOKES (AND LASSES) TO REMOVE THEIR TOPS WHILE DANCING, BAND MEMBERS ALLOWED TO PASS WIND, A BIT OF SWEARING AND £200 EACH.

Dear Standpoint, I have been to a number of your gigs and love your enthusiasm and energy on stage. My personal favourite is Darren, I love to watch him stroking and coaxing the best from his instrument. A true artist. The problem I have is my medical condition. I have to use the toilet regularly (up to 18 times a day) which means I often miss large chunks of the brilliant set. Could you arrange for a commode to be placed in front of Darren at the next gig so I can sit down and enjoy the whole show in comfort. Yours in desperation - Anita Poo, Longroyds, near t' Bloomin Rose. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES: ANITA - NOT POSSIBLE I'M AFRAID. DARREN PROBABLY GETS ENOUGH OF THAT AT HOME WHEN HE'S PRACTISING HIS GUITAR AND HIS MISSUS IS IN THE CARSIE. SEE A DOCTOR AND SORT OUT YOUR PROBLEM. A TOILET ON THE DANCFLOOR IS A BAD IDEA. BLOKES WOULD SHOVE YOU OFF IT AND USE IT INSTEAD OF GOING TO THE REAL BOGS.

Lads – While there’s no doubt that you’re the best band in Great Britain, I’m afraid I’m going to have to stop coming to see you. Every time I go to one of your gigs I catch a really bad cold. I’ve had runny noses, shivers, aches and pains, streaming eyes, headaches, itchy genitals (probably unconnected) and sores round my mouth for MONTHS. I missed one of your gigs and it got better. Can you explain it? Yours – Vic Sinex, Headingley (near Naffees). A BAND MEMBER REPLIES: VIC, IT’S FUNNY YOU SHOULD MENTION THAT. MOST OF THE BAND HAVE HAD COLDS LATELY. OUR VOCAL SUPREMO JOHN TOOK HIS MICROPHONE APART THE OTHER DAY AND THE SPONGE INSIDE WAS FULL OF A BROWN TAR LIKE SUBSTANCE WITH WHITE FURRY GROWTHS ON IT, WHICH OOZED OUT AS HE SQUEEZED IT. WE THINK THIS IS A BUILD UP FROM EVERYONE WHO HAS SUNG INTO IT OVER THE LAST 4 YEARS. ANYWAY, HE WASHED IT OUT AND PEGGED IT ON THE LINE BETWEEN ONE OF HIS SWEATY GIG SHIRTS AND HIS LASS’S UNDIES. WE’VE ALSO DISINFECTED OUR DIRTY NOBS (ON THE AMPLIFIERS), SO IT’S ALL GERM FREE FOR 2008. WE ADVISE THAT YOU WEAR ONE OF THOSE HOSPITAL MASKS IF YOU COME AGAIN – AS WE DON’T WANT TO CATCH ANYTHING, YOU DISEASE RIDDEN GET.

Can you tell me when you are next doing a free gig with food on? I try to come to the ones with a buffet to save on my shopping bill. I know you’re a good band, but grub at EVERY gig would suit me better. The Ringway was a good do – the roast beef was top notch, I got a right plateful. And that birthday at the West Leeds Club – what a spread. I ate so many sausage rolls I could hardly move at the end. I even brought a carrier bag and took a boat load home for the wife and kids. Any free munchies on at the Bramley Rugby Club gig? Yours – Scott Chegg, Birstall. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES: SCOTT – THAT’S DISGUSTING. DON’T COME AGAIN. THAT FOOD IS NOT FOR YOU – IT’S FOR THE BAND. WE SCOFFED SO MUCH AT THE CONNY CLUB, WE COULD HARDLY PLAY OUR INSTRUMENTS. SAME AT THAT WEDDING LAST SUMMER – THREE OF US DIDN’T EAT AGAIN FOR TWO DAYS. THAT CURRY WAS TOP NOTCH, AND THAT WHOLE ROAST PIG – WOW. ….ANYWAY KEEP OFF OUR SCRAN YOU GREEDY GET.

I'm always at your gigs and think you are the best band that ever walked the planet. However, can you please help me with this problem - when I'm dancing at the front, I can see your female supporters (the Standettes I believe they are called) gyrating and shaking their various body parts. I get aroused by this and have to sit down to avoid embarrassment. What can I do? Signed Mick Oxard, Heath Estate, Beeston. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES: Mick, change your name by deed poll to Mick Oxsoft and you'll have no more trouble.......

Sorry lads, but I'm not coming to see you any more - and it's for your own good. Every time I start jumping up and down at the front, it seems to put you off and you start making mistakes. You are the best there is and I don't want to spoil your flawless performance for the audience. Signed Gloria Stits, West Hunslet. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES: Gloria, You could still come and see us - but either have some reduction surgery or stand behind a couple of blokes. One for each.......

My mate and I were at your excellent moon stomping, foot tapping, head banging performance at the Merlin's recently. Due to our over indulgence with the singing and dancing to your superb delivery of songs we became rather hot and sweaty. We removed our Harrington's and placed them on the back of the seats near the window. Unfortunately at the end of the night they were gone. I'm sure this is just an oversight and they will be returned. However, have you considered setting up a sort of band lead cloakroom service. For example - Richard can put the coats, jackets or skirts (sorry shirts) behind his drums and issue tickets to be re produced prior to collection of the garments. We even wouldn't mind paying a small fee for your services if we had piece of mind that our items were safe. I hope you will give this idea some consideration. Yours always - Angus Mecoatup and Luke Afterit, Westwood Estate, Middleton. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES: A good idea lads, but Richard is not house trained and sometimes uses the area behind him as a toilet. We are eager to make a bit of money on cloakroom tickets, but you must be aware that any garments may be returned wet & steaming, soiled or otherwise containing miscellaneous bodily fluids......

I had a dream last night, whereby I walked into a pub called The Broadway (which I've never seen before) and there was this absolutely AMAZING band on called The Standards. They were the best I'd ever seen and it was TOTAL joy all night. I looked on the web and found your site. I'm coming to see you at The Browadway and see if all my dreams come true. Yours - Claire Voyant. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES - CLAIRE - That's the SPIRIT. We're not just a MEDIUM quality band, let's just SAY(ANCE) that you'll think we're OUT OF THIS WORLD.....

With the success of your radio show, why don't you expand on this and do a live broadcast by setting up a TV mast at one of your brilliant gigs and transmitting it across the whole of South Leeds? Yours - Emily Moore, Huddersfield. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES - EMILY, WHAT A GREAT IDEA. THE ONLY THING IS, WHAT IF EVERYONE WATCHES AT HOME FROM THEIR COMFY ARMCHAIRS AND DOESN'T TURN UP AT THE PUB? LOOK AT THE BENEFITS - CHEAP CANS, NO BAR QUEUES, NO TAXIS, NO NOISY BAND - WOW, IT'S ALMOST WORTH BUYING A TV LICENCE.....

Eating Out: Part 3 – Fried Chicken. One of the lads went into one of those chicken outlets recently and was shocked to find that, in an attempt to squeeze every last bit of profit from the punters, the bits of the animal that used to be thrown away are now being served up in fancy new ways. For example – Chilli Con Claws, Biryani Beaks, Fettuccini Feathers and Nacho Necks. Our man thought better of it and went for a more traditional option – two breasts and two legs (open). He was also asked if he wanted stuffing at one point, but we don’t think that was food related.

Even though you are the best band I’ve ever seen, I’m disappointed at your attempt at humour above. Fast food is good for you and fills many a kid’s belly when the school meals are boring and tasteless. Yours, Ken Tuckyfriedchicken.

Ey, don’t forget about the other forms of fast food, which are equally filling for those youngsters who cannot stomach the repulsive school slop. Yours, Pete Zahutt.

Excuse me - my dinners are the best in Yorkshire (same as The Standards). I will not stand for these insults. Fast food makes kids podgy, unlike my stewed cauliflower leaves and thickly skinned cold rice pudding. Yours, Deena Lady, Rothwell (opposite the park, near Bernie’s house).

The other week I was lucky enough to witness your fantastic live performance at The Merlins. I was amazed and impressed that despite obvious injuries, disabilities and ailments to band members (Mark's foot, Darren's haircut and Dave's smaller organ) the show went on and perfection was achieved. Well done lads, keep up the good work. - Justin Credible : Rothwell. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES: THE OTHER TWO BAND MEMBERS ALSO HAD PROBLEMS - JOHN'S FLY WAS PART UNDONE DURING ONE SONG AND RICHARD HAD A SMALL PIMPLE ON HIS LEFT BUTTOCK. WE CAME THROUGH THOUGH. WE HAVE TO - IT'S WHAT WE LIVE FOR. THAT AND CHIPS.

I had the good fortune of witnessing the brilliant Standards live recently and was blown away by your overwhelming energy levels and diversity in your choice of songs. However I grew up during and was influenced by the innovative new romantic and electronic groups of the era. I did hear a rumour that your gorgeous keyboards player Dave once owned a new romantic shirt. Have you ever considered performing any Orchestral Manoeuvres in the Dark. Many regards - Anola Gray - Cardinals, Beeston. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES: ANOLA - OUR CUTE KEYBOARDS PLAYER AND EQUALLY HANDSOME BASS PLAYER ARE ALREADY WORKING ON A MEDLEY OF OMD / ULTRAVOX / NUMAN / SPANDAU COVERS. WE ARE ALL EXCITED BY THIS (ESPECIALLY JOHN AND DARREN) AS WE ALL LOVE TO DRESS IN 17TH CENTURY CLOTHING IN OUR SPARE TIME. DAVE SAYS HE WILL TAKE YOU TO THE AMNESIA IF YOU WEAR THOSE FRILLY WHITE ANKLE SOCKS OR A RA-RA SKIRT.

I've seen just about every gig you've ever done and I have to say, you're the most exciting covers band in Leeds & surrounding areas. However, there is one thing that really winds me up - when you've all finished and packed away, you leave loads of litter behind. Things I've seen strewn about include papers, sticky tape, plastic bottles, banana skins, broken drum sticks and miscellaneous tambourine parts. I am heavily into recycling and think you should dispose of your waste more responsibly. Lydia Dustbin, Environmental Officer for Middleton and Belle Isle. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES: LYDIA - IF YOU READ OUR MISSION STATEMENT, YOU'LL SEE THAT MOST OF THE BAND AGREE WITH THE ETHICS OF RECYCLING. OUR DRUMMER EVEN RECYCLES HIS POUCH FRONT UNDIES - HE SENDS THEM TO AFRICA TO MAKE SLINGS FOR ELEPHANTS' DAMAGED TRUNKS. NO - THE TRUTH IS, BY THE TIME WE'VE FINISHED PLAYING, WE ONLY JUST HAVE ENOUGH ENERGY TO EMBRACE AND THANK OUR FANS, NEVER MIND TODDLING OFF DOWN TO THE LOCAL BOTTLE BANK. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE, MAYBE YOU COULD HELP US BY ACTING AS OUR GREEN ASSISTANT (UNPAID). ALTERNATIVELY, WE CAN GET THE WOMBLES TO SUPPORT US!

Although you are the best covers band in Leeds, I feel I must voice my concerns about your dangerous obsession and constant reference to weapons and violence. For example Eton Rifles, Gangsters, Chelsea Dagger, Town Called Malice, Homicide and Down in the Tube station at Midnight. Don't you feel you have a responsibility to the kids who see you as role models. You should set a good example. Yours concerned - Roy Larmories, near town. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES - ROY, WE HAVE TAKEN YOUR VIEWS ON BOARD AND ARE HAVING A BAND MEETING TO DISCUSS TOTALLY CHANGING OUR SONG LIST TO SOME NICER ONES ABOUT LOVE, PEACE AND FORGIVENESS. HOWEVER - IF OUR AUDIENCES DON'T LIKE IT, WE'LL BE ROUND TO SEE YOU, ARMED TO THE TEETH (ONLY JOKING)!

Please pass on my congratulations to your extremely talented bass player, Mark for stopping smoking and so far keeping it up. I too have tried but unfortunately started again after witnessing your excellent performance at the New Inn on Saturday, which absolutely blew me away. Thanks - Nick O' Teen, Drighlington. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES - NICK, IT'S TRUE - MARK HASN'T HAD A PUFF FOR WEEKS. IF YOU REALLY WANT TO STOP, PLEASE HAVE A WORD WITH HIM AND HE CAN PASS ON SOME TECHNIQUES TO CALM YOU DOWN, SUCH AS SHOUTING AT THE WIFE, DRINKING 4 TIMES AS MUCH AND PRACTISING THE BASS GUITAR!

Lads, just got back from your New Inn gig and I have to say I haven't seen anything like it since the punk bands at the F Club. There's just one thing though - you all seem to be wearing expensive Fred Perry and Ben Sherman gear. This alienates a lot of us poorer fans as we can't afford to dress the same. Supermarket clothes are good enough for us and they should be for you - George Atasda, Morley. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES - GEORGE - WE LIKE TO PUT ON A SHOW AND IF THAT MEANS USING OUR LAST FEW QUID TO LOOK GOOD FOR THE FANS, THEN SO BE IT. AFTER ALL, YOU WOULDN'T LIKE TO SWITCH ON YOUR TELLY AND SEE MYLENE KLASS WEARING TATTY CLOTHES THAT WERE ALL FALLING OFF HER WOULD YOU?

I was a the superb gig last Saturday at the Cross Keys, Morley (best gig I've ever been to in my life). I got talking to a chap who is related to a member of the band. He informed me that Mark's first choice of underwear on gig nights is a black leather posing pouch. Can you please tell me if this is indeed true as my imagination is working overtime. Thanks - Jenny Tull, Bruntcliffe. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES - JENNY, NOT SURE IF YOU MEAN MARK OUR BASS PLAYER OR MARK, OUR GUITARIST'S BROTHER - HOWEVER, THEY BOTH LIKE TO WEAR THE POSING POUCHES, ALTHOUGH WE'VE NEVER SEEN THEM BOTH SPORTING THEM AT THE SAME TIME, SO MAYBE THEY SHARE ONE!

THINGS WE LOVE TO HATE - PART 1 - BUSES. Is it any wonder there's so many cars about? One of the band boarded a bus recently and was shocked to find that it cost £1.50 from the Broadway to town! That's 30 bob in real money - equivalent of a taxi fare (4 in car @ £1.50 each = £6.00). It wouldn't be so bad if you had a bit of luxury, but no. Our man observed the following: 1. Dirty seats and floors full of rubbish. 2. Undesirables (a tramp, loud youths and a lady of questionable occupation). 3. Windows caked in mud. Why bother with windows at all? Get the lazy drivers to clean 'em instead of one of their smoke breaks. 4. Inability to CHOOSE where to get off. For that money you should be able to say 'stop here mate' anywhere along the route. 5. Maybe the engine was damaged, as it didn't go faster than about 20mph. The bus company is one of those bidding to take over the GNER train service. Wonder if they've just put their prices up to pay for the carriages???

I was at the Ringway gig the other night - you lads are the best band I have ever seen and all cute too! Anyway, there was such a queue for the Ladies that I nipped in the Gents instead. Well I wish I hadn't - I opened the toilet lid and there was the biggest longest poo I've ever seen staring at me. It was sticking out of the water and the other end was right round the U-bend! When I tried to flush it away, it reared up out of the water like the chuffing Loch Ness Monster. I thought it was going to jump out of the pot and grab me. It evertually got dragged down kicking and screaming but it made me nervous for the rest of the night. Yours - Flo Tinlog, Armley (near t' big house). A BAND MEMBER REPLIES - FLO, BIG BAND, BIG JOBBIES. CONSTIPATION IS THE DOWNFALL OF MANY A LOCAL BAND. YOU CAN'T BE CLASS WITH A HEAVY ASS.

Wherever I go lately (local pub / post office / church / massage parlour etc.) I keep hearing rumours that the Standards are splitting up or someone is retiring. I even heard that one of you is packing it in to get an allotment and start growing organic veg??? Can you please confirm or deny these ugly whispers, as I and all your other fans need a band we can believe in. Thanks - Lee Ving, Hunslet (near t’ Penny Hill). A BAND MEMBER REPLIES - LEE, WE ARE AS STRONG AS EVER AND HAVE A CATALOGUE OF TOP GIGS LINED UP FOR THIS YEAR. ARE YOU SURE THEY DIDN’T MEAN STYKLEBACK, AS THEY SEEM TO SPLIT UP AND RE-FORM EVERY COUPLE OF WEEKS! THE ONLY TIME THERE MAY BE ONE LESS OF US ON STAGE IS WHEN THE SMOKING BAN COMES IN THIS SUMMER - AS MARK WILL BE PLAYING HIS BASS OUTSIDE.

I'm sorry but I took your tambourine on Saturday night. I just love you guys so much I had to take something to remind me of what a great show you put on. I wanted some of your underwear but one of you bent over and I could see he was wearing purple Y fronts. The tambourine seemed less smelly and made a better sound than what was coming out of his pants. Mrs. T. Leaf. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES....WE CAN PROVIDE A SIGNED PAIR OF PANTS WORN BY ALL FIVE MEMBERS. BY THE WAY - WE ALL WEAR PURPLE Y-FRONTS - WHO DOESN'T???

I first saw the brilliant Standards at The Merlins last year and had a fantastic night. I have noticed from your posters you are playing there again shortly. At the last gig I found myself being drawn to the stage with a pair of shears by some unknown urge or force. I was in some sort of trance staring at the 'MEMBERS' of the band. See you at The Merlins. - Ivana Kutchurkokoff, Miggy (near't water tower). A BAND MEMBER REPLIES - OUR PARTS ARE KEY TO OUR SUCCESS, WE WOULD OVERBALANCE AND FALL ON THE FLOOR IF OUR CENTRES OF GRAVITY WERE CHANGED THAT MUCH.

I had to come clean and tell someone about my crime. I cant live with the guilt any longer. I forged a ticket for the superb Standards New Years Eve Extravaganza, as I couldn't bear to miss the finest band on the planet. I got away with it, but now I feel so full of remorse. I hope God and Lester will pardon my sins. Yours begging forgiveness. Ty Tass - Nosters, near t' chinky. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES..... TY, WHILE WE LIKE YOUR LOYALTY, WE CAN'T CONDONE SUCH ACTIONS AND IN THIS CASE YOUR BEHAVIOUR CAUSED A FAN WITH THE REAL TICKET TO HAVE TO PAY £10 ON THE DOOR. WE NOW WANT THIS BACK. PLEASE SEND IT TO US, PLUS ANOTHER £10 FOR OUR TROUBLE AND WE'LL LET YOU OFF. THE ACTUAL FORGED TICKET IS NOW A RARITY. IT'S ON SALE FOR £50 AND WE'VE HAD SEVERAL ENQUIRIES. WE ARE ALSO THINKING OF MAKING OUR OWN FORGERY OF THE FORGED TICKET AND SELLING THAT AS WELL. IT WILL BE EVEN MORE RARE THAN THE FIRST TICKET SO THAT ONE IS PRICED AT £100. WE CAN DO BOTH IN A FRAME WITH ALL FIVE BAND SIGNATURES AND A PHOTO OF TY FOR £500. PLEASE SEE A BAND MEMBER.

Eating Out, Part 2 - Chinese. First you have to try all the ones nearby to find the best. This might mean tasting 6 or so different portions of unidentifyable lumps (what is that curly, chewy meat anyway? I've never seen it on sale at Morrisons meat counter). You might also get the runs a few times before you find a winner. Next, what do you order? I'm a bit bottleless when it comes to strange grub. Black bean sauce, OK sauce, sweet & sour, king prawns, szechaun, won ton, chop suey??? These are things I would not like to put in my mouth ever. For this reason I always order the same thing every time - 52A with extra 5. It's always the same and you know it'll taste nice. Our lead vocalist John likes the Nosters chinky. He only ever orders curry and he does it in a kind of a Chinese accent (this is actually true, I've watched him) as follows: Chin cuhy, pee, noh oio boh roh (chicken curry with peas but no onions and boiled rice). Bassist Mark (who is a qualified chef) has the following TOP TIPS for you on this subject. 1. Make sure they speak English - you don't want to order a 12 with chips and get home to find a 63 with flied lice in the bag. 2. Always ask for it EXTRA HOT as hot to them means waving a small tub of mild curry powder over the massive cauldren upstairs as the 4 semi naked oily skinned Chinamen stir slowly through the night. 3. Never argue with them or make a daft comment like 'Chairman Mao and Chips', as you can't see what they're putting in your 'meal'. 4. Always order 2 meals as you are starving again after half an hour! 5. Don't waste time ordering something English like Sausage and Chips. Go to mucky Mavis's caff if you want that. So there you are. You can now enjoy a Chinese with confidence. Oh, and by the way, if you are wondering what my 52A with extra 5 is - it's fried chicken and beansprouts in gravy. Yum...

Eating Out, Part 1 - Fish and Chips. We all live on 'em (even though we tell everybody we cook nice dinners or eat healthy salad sanwiches), but it's not as easy as going into the nearest chippy and saying 'once with scraps'. The following things really get my back up in Chippies - 1. Big queues, then when you get to the front, they're waitin for chips. 2. No scraps left. 3. Tiny portions. There's a chippy in Beeston (can't say which one, but ask me when you see me) where the chips AND the fish fit inside the chuffin chip bag. I complained once and some blokes behind me said 'come on son, we don't want trouble in here'. I felt like bricking the window. That's the strength of feeling you get over tight servings. 4. Early closing and holiday closing - make 'em 24 hours, all year. 5. Plastic trays. 6. Other items for sale, such as Kebabs, Southern Fried Chicken, Spring Rolls, Nuggets, Battered Mars Bars etc. Keep it TRADITIONAL. 7. Rip off prices - it only takes one decent size spud to make a bag of chips, so how come they cost over a quid? That's 20 shillings. Our lass only gives me that a week for me dinner money (I have a part time job at Churchills to make up the other £30 a week I spend on 'em). It's all worth it though, when you open that paper and tuck into that twice and a fish every night.

RECORDING OF THE STANDARDS NEW ALBUM - PART 6 - MIXING. It was mixed from the 8 track masters over two days, checking and re-checking levels one song against another and compiling the final disc ready for mastering. I then transferred it to Soundforge (PC based mastering software), removing the last of any clicks, cutting out unwanted noise, inserting the track gaps and giving it a nice 'polished' finish. After a Friday night listening session with John and Mark, I made a few last level alterations and cut the final production master. There is a piece of backwards vocals at the end. 10 points if you can tell me what it says....

Dave's Cookery Tips Part 84 - Paella. My tip for this is, don't try it. I wanted to re-create that holiday taste (in a Beeston sort of way - no whelks, bits of octopus tentacles or whatever it is they bung in it) but it's not that easy. An hour and a flamin' quarter I slaved over that stove. Two and a half quid for a gram of saffron, special paella rice, the sausages, vegetables I'd never heard of (red peppers I think they were called), olive oil (well aren't we posh - what's wrong with lard or a big spoonful of that yellow stuff out of the chip pan). Anyway, it was all in the frying pan and stewing away. Only thing was it kept sticking to the Teflon on the bottom of the pan. I was chucking more and more pints of water in but the rice just sucked it all up. In the end there was masses of it - me and our lass had a HUGE plateful each (which wasn't bad when I'd pepped it up with 5 Oxos and half the salt pot) and there was still enough to freeze for 4 more meals. Oh well, I suppose it'll come in handy for when I get in from the boozer....

Anyone in the band need double glazing? Cheap rates for the best band in Leeds... Patty O' Dors, Holbeck. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES.... PATTY - WE HAD YOUR COLLEAGUE ON FROM THE IRISH OFFICE, PADDY O' DORS EARLIER. BOUGHT A LOAD FROM HIM. SO YOU'RE TOO LATE...

I've been following you for over a year now and never miss a gig. I have seen you go from being an unknown pub band to a top, well respected outfit - however you need to go one stage further....you need some merchandising. I would be especially interested in a range of Standards wallpaper, as I would then have you in my bedroom all the time. Please consider having some wallpaper printed. Yours - Annie Glypta - Churwell. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES.... ANNIE, I LIKE THE SOUND OF A WALLPAPER. THE WIFE WOULD LOVE THAT ALL OVER THE HOUSE. HOWEVER, WE WOULD NEED TO SELL QUITE A BIT OF IT TO GET OUR MONEY BACK. WE'LL LOOK INTO IT. MEANWHILE, WHY DON'T YOU GET SOME OF OUR GIG PHOTOS AND GET THEM ENLARGED TO POSTER SIZE. GET 200 PEOPLE AND A BAR AND PUT A CD ON - BETTER STILL GET A LIVE BAND (THE STANDARDS FOR INSTANCE)...

I recently saw another group doing your sort of stuff at The Broadway, called Northern Vinyl. Although the total experience could not match your performances, I couldn't help but notice the guitarists seem to get through three times as many chords as those "workshy chain smoking posties" you have. It's time your boys raised their game or started a stamp collection. Yours - Phil Atterley (Concerned of Beeston). A BAND MEMBER REPLIES.... PHIL, THAT'S THE THING ABOUT NORTHERN VINYL, GOOD BAND, BUT TOO MANY CHORDS. WHY USE SEVEN WHEN ONE WILL DO? ALL YOU GET IS A WORN OUT GUITAR AND SORE FINGERS! WE LIKE TO GIVE OUR FANS AS MANY HONEST, STRAIGHTFORWARD ONE CHORD SONGS AS POSSIBLE IN THE TIME ALLOWED. BY THE WAY, IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN STAMPS, MAYBE WE COULD DO SOME SWAPS...

Dave's Cookery Tips - Part 4. Doner Kebabs. Most people LOVE Doner Kebabs, but some are scared of them due to stories about them being unhealthy (made out of offal sweep ups, stored in fly infested warehouses, re-warmed dozens of times, 99% fat etc). These tales may or may not be true, but now The Standards bring you a recipe for your own - confirming them as the only band in Leeds providing both great entertainment AND culinery expertise. Have a toddle down to the supermarket. Obtain a 500g pack of lean lamb mince, a packet of pitta breads, some Schwartz garlic powder, one lettuce, two tomatoes, some JIF lemon juice and the biggest salad onions in the shop. Now I know some of you shudder at the thought of SALAD - but this is good. Fry the mince and drain off some of the fat. Add 3 tablespoons of garlic powder, one tablespoon of salt and a decent helping of lemon juice. Stir round, frying lightly for 5 minutes. Prepare the salad items and put the pittas under the grill for a minute each side. Slice open the pittas, stuff in some of the salad and spoon in the gorgeous meat. Bite into one and weep with joy at the immense taste sensation. This makes enough for 4 pittas. You can even freeze half and re-warm later to extend your pleasure. Cheaper and much much better than the take away version. I will ask Mark to look into the Chilli Sauce for those of you with asbestos gobs.

MARK'S CHILLI SAUCE - Chilli Sauce recipe as used in Donner Kebab houses everywhere....400g tin chopped tomatoes, a few dried red chillies (crushed) the more the better ... ha ha, 3tsp mint sauce, 1tsp sugar, 2 tbs tomato puree. Bring to the boil then simmer for a few mins. Let the sauce go cold then put in a blender for a quick blend. Pour over Dave's tasty kebab recipe hmmmm ... deeelishh

I have an idea for your gigs. I chose you cos you are the best band I know, but what about this - I have some records in the loft, good uns from when bands WERE bands (Wurzels, Abba, Smurfs etc.). I also have a record player - red and white case and it plays 6, one after the other. Can I put it through your PA system and we can make a REAL night of it? I can also rap a bit. D. Jockey, East Ardsley. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES....MR JOKEY, YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC SEEMS RUBBISH. IF YOU CAN GET HOLD OF ANY DECENT RECORDS (LIKE THE ONES WE COVER), THEN WE MIGHT GIVE YOU A CHANCE, BUT IF YOU PLAY CRAP, WE WILL HAVE TO BREAK BOTH YOUR RECORD PLAYER AND YOUR NOSE.

RECORDING OF THE STANDARDS NEW ALBUM - PART 5 - On a red hot Friday evening in late June, John came in to record vocals for 5 tracks. He wanted to re-create the live energy that you see at our gigs and I believe he has succeeded. I have also begun to put down some backing vocals. It's working well. More next month.... Dave

RECORDING OF THE STANDARDS NEW ALBUM - PART 4 - Mark has laid down bass tracks for most of the songs. The bass guitar was recorded direct into the desk with just a smidgin of compression to even out his powerful playing style. The album is really taking shape now and is more solid than we could have hoped for. More next month.... Dave

I've seen you play dozens of times lads. Ey - you are the business. Best band in Yorkshire. Now then - all them cables and power strips all over the place. It's a disaster waitin' to happen. Guitar leads wrapped round plugs and blokes spilling beer everywhere - rather you than me boys. Why don't I give you a nice cheap quote for a full cable management system. We're not talkin the earth here (earth - get it Ha Ha). For about £2000.00 I could make your dreams come true. Trunking, sheilding, circuit breakers - the lot. How about it? Alec Trician, Gildersome. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES....ALEC, IT'S A NICE IDEA, BUT WE DON'T REALLY MAKE MONEY FROM OUR GIGS. A BIT OF EXPENSES HERE AND THERE WON'T BUY YOUR WHIZZY WIRING. WE JUST PLUG IN AND HOPE FOR THE BEST. TO KEEP THINGS SAFE, WE'VE IMPOSED A HOSE PIPE BAN WITHIN 100 METRES OF THE STAGE AND JOHN HAS A TOWEL TO MOP UP ANY LITTLE ACCIDENTS WITH INCONTINENT PUNTERS!

I was at the Rowland Road gig and during the dancing and general bonkersness. I was whacked in the facial area, losing a contact lens and suffering a black eye. I hope your band have decent insurance cover. You will be hearing from my legal team. Sue Yurassoff, East Hunslet. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES....SUE - YOU WITNESSED THE BEST BAND IN LEEDS FOR 50p. THAT ALONE IS WORTH THE DISCOMFORT. IF YOU ARE STILL UNHAPPY, LET US KNOW AND WE WILL GET YOU A FRONT ROW SEAT AT THE WELLINGTON GIG. BRING SOME SAFETY GOGGLES!

I have seen your excellent band at the Ringway on two separate occasions, the second time you performed a Monkees song. I have been racking my brains for weeks but just cant seem to remember to song. Hope you can put my mind at rest. Thanks, Ima B. Leaver – Horsforth. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES....IT WAS PLEASENT VALLEY SUNDAY!.

RECORDING OF THE STANDARDS NEW ALBUM - PART 3 - I've done nearly all the main keyboard parts for the full 12 songs. These consist of hard, overdriven piano, strings, pads, brass sections and even some unusual synthesisers & a 'school piano'. There are also some '60s Mellotrons and Hammonds on there for you classic keyboard fans. More next month.... Dave

I have heard from a friend of a friend you might be able to point me in the direction of a contact that will supply tablets to rectify my condition. It is extremely embarrassing to talk about my inability to rise to the occasion so if you do have access to this wonder drug I would be forever in your debt. Yours limply, Drew Peacock, Churwell. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES....DREW - NONE OF THE BAND HAVE EVER NEEDED SUCH TABLETS. THERE IS ANOTHER BAND FROM BEESTON WHO MAY BE ABLE TO HELP!

I really enjoy your shows and I get extremely jealous when your regular fans, friends and followers are allowed to co-perform on stage. I really enjoy a good sing along and would love to get up and strut my stuff with Leeds' No.1 band The Standards. Can you advise me who I would have to speak to to make this dream come true. Thanks, Carrie Oakey, Belle Isle. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES....CARRIE, HAVE YOU TRIED WRITING TO JIMMY SAVILLE - THE OTHERS DID!

I have seen you a few times now and firmly believe you are the best cover band in Leeds. However, you only seem to play on Saturday nights and that is my Chinese meal night. Would it be possible for you to provide a Cantonese take away as part of the entertainment? - Chris P. Duck, Holbeck. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES....CHRIS, I DON'T THINK THIS IS FEASIBLE, AS YOU WOULD GET PUSHED ABOUT DURING THE DANCING. THE LANDLORD WOULD NOT LIKE BITS OF BEANSPROUTS, WATER CHESTNUTS AND UNIDENTIFYABLE MEAT ALL OVER HIS BOOZER. SORRY MATE.

I work for a local taxi firm and would gladly pick up Crispy and take him to the nearest Chinese during the interval. He could trough his 53a with fried rice in the car and I could have him back in time for the second set. - Colin Allcars - Beeston.

I have been to six or seven gigs so far and have enjoyed them immensely. However, having a large frame, I find it quite tiring and have to sit down frequently to rest. I find the chairs and stools in these establishments to be pathetically inadequate. Can anything be done? Yours in anticipation - Hugh Jass, Middleton. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES....HUGH, IT'S ALL DOWN TO THE LANDORD'S PROFIT MARGIN. IF HE INSTALLS A GIANT CHAIR, THIS WOULD TAKE UP ENOUGH ROOM TO FIT TWO NORMAL PUNTERS IN - THEREFORE YOU WOULD HAVE TO DRINK TWICE AS MUCH AS ONE SKINNY BLOKE, PLUS A BIT MORE TOWARDS THE COST OF THE CHAIR. ASK THE LANDLORD NEXT TIME. I'M SURE HE WILL GIVE YOU A STRAIGHT ANSWER.

I have been to quite a few gigs now and was wondering why it is that only John and Richard put enough effort into their performances to work up a sweat. Is it fair to say those two and the grafters in the band. Dwayne Pipe - Holbeck. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES.... BEHIND EVERY TRULY GREAT EXPERIENCE WITHIN THE ARTS WORLD, THERE ARE THE PEOPLE BEHIND THE SCENES, WHO THROUGH THEIR RESERVED GENIUS, PROVIDE A SOLID, STABLE PLATFORM UPON WHICH THE LEAD PERFORMER CAN STAND TO DELIVER THE PERFECT END PRODUCT. I BELIEVE THAT THIS IS HOW THE STANDARDS OPERATE. COULD BE THAT, OR MAYBE TWO OF THE BAND ARE JUST SWEATY B******S.

Good day. I would like to put to bed some gossip surrounding the recent Standards gig at The Broadway, Dewsbury Road, Beeston. 1. John did spend some of his own money at the bar that night and this did not affect his performance. 2. Darren's lead on Eton Rifles lasted no longer than 9 minutes. 3. Any crisps found on the floor where Dave & Richard were set up is pure coincidence, They are great friends and both know the danger of crisps, And furthermore they both realize that a moments madness with a salt & vinegar or worse still a prawn cocktail crisp in the wrong hands could be life threatening or worse !! 4. Mark made NO mistakes on the night. He can now even light a cig while still playing. I hope this settles any arguments.

RECORDING OF THE STANDARDS NEW ALBUM - PART 2 - RHYTHM GUITAR. Darren has played some rock solid rhythm parts on 7 songs so far. These range from Pistols like power to lighter acoustic indulgencies. He has used his Strat and a Gibson SG through various amp simulators (mainly VOX) from his BOSS pedal, direct into the desk with just a bit of compression to keep the levels tidy. The electric guitar strings were also miked to add a bit of bite on some tracks. All the heavier songs contain multiple layered parts for additional power.

Dave's Cookery Tips - Part 3. Pie. Obtain some mince (any kind) from a quality source. Bang it in a dish and cover it with some 6 oxo gravy. Make some nice salty mash and blob this on top. Cover with some cheap cheese and then - this is the best bit - crush a packet of cheese & onion crisps and sprinkle them on top as a garnish. Eat any spare crisps before someone else does. Bake for 30 mins at about 180 degrees (don't know the gas equivalent. Buy an electric oven). Succulent dinner for £2.30.

The results of Mark's cig competition are in. I can announce that he smoked 17 during the performance and that the winner is Mark himself as he was the only one to guess the correct amount. He wins two Standards badges, which he is to donate to a worthy cause.

We are still awaiting the result of Mark's cig cometition. He took 30 roll ups but we don't know how many he actually smoked (I was coughing my guts up stood behind him, so it was probably the whole lot).

I have a question for the band - What are Clems? Some say they are ladies' top lumps and some say they are a man's nuts. Can you assist? Nige Johnson. A BAND MEMBER REPLIES - CLEMS ARE OF COURSE THREPS.

Re Cig Competition, will you please clarify, is it cigs smoked all night or just during the performances. I need to know this because I am desperate for a quality 'Standards' badge and can't get one. They are like rocking horse dust. Barry - The Broadway.

Dear Standpoint - Just a point of clarity concerning the 5 Oxo gravy below. The ingredients are actually - 5 Oxos, 1 teaspoon of Bovril, a dash of brown sauce added to sprout or tattey watter. Superb. Caroline Metcalf.

Your badges seem to be defective. I tried to pin one on a balloon at my party and it burst. DAVE REPLIES - THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE BADGES. JUST GET TWO IDENTICAL BALLOONS, PIN THE BADGE TO ONE OF THEM WITHOUT BLOWING IT UP, THEN PUT THE OTHER BALLOON INSIDE THE FIRST ONE WITH THE BLOW HOLE STICKING OUT. INFLATE THE INNER BALLOON AND IT WILL EXPAND THE OUTER ONE WITHOUT BURSTING IT. I DO IT ALL THE TIME.

Dave's Cookery Tips - Part 1. Pork and apple patties. Get down to your favourtite supermarket and purchase a packet of lean pork mince (costs about 2 notes) and 6 decent green apples. Get someone to peel the apples for you and grate them onto the mince (there will be a grater somewhere at the back of one of your cupboards). Squash it all together with a bit of garlic powder and a boat load of salt. Shape the mixture into burger type shapes and fry them in a healthy fat for about 20 minutes, turning regularly to stop 'em burning (make sure they are cooked through, or else you will be sick). Serve with a salad, or better still - chips. These are gorgeous. Thank me when you see me.

Dave's Cookery Tips - Part 2. Six Oxo Gravy. Crumble 6 beef oxos into a small pan (don't use those weedy chicken oxos as they don't taste of anything). Add a chopped onion and a sliced carrot if you like that sort of thing and boil it up for 20 minutes. Taste the POWER. John's wife, Caroline used to make a really nice 5 oxo gravy, but I've found that one extra oxo really gives it some welly. You can actually make instant mash using this gravy instead of water for an immense taste sensation.

My mates and myself were wondering if you could clear up a point we have been discussing for some time, they say that Mark has never smiled at a gig, I say he has smiled on at lease 3 occasions although I am having difficulty naming them. Can you help us in resolving this matter. Thanks, John from the council... WELL JOHN, ACCORDING TO OUR PHOTOGRAPHIC GIG RECORD, MARK HAS INDEED SMILED A TOTAL OF 3 TIMES, ONCE AT DAVE, WHEN THEY WERE GLOATING ABOUT HOW GOOD THEY WERE, ONCE WHEN SOMEBODY BOUGHT HIM A PINT AND ONCE WHEN A LADY WITH A LARGE CLEAVAGE WAS DANCING RIGHT IN FRONT OF HIM.

Mark has set a competition as follows: How many cigs will he smoke during the Broadway gig at Easter? First correct answer E-mailed to our address wins a gift boxed Standards badge.

RECORDING OF THE STANDARDS NEW ALBUM - PART 1 - Richard has laid down drum tracks for 13 songs. The drums were miked using two unidirectional condensers overhead in a stereo pattern, a Shure SM58 under the snare, an AKG condenser on the hi hat / top of snare, a dynamic mic in the kick drum (with some blankets to deaden the sound and another Shure dynamic behind the kit, covering the floor tom and right hand ride cymbal. Room reflections were kept to a minimum using carpet on the walls. The resulting tracks were then mixed to MONO, adding some small room reverb and compression. The result is an aggressive drum sound, not like the polished American rock bands, but more like the raw sound of the Pistols. When the finished songs are mixed, more hard limiting may be added to the drums, giving them a flavour of The Who's hard percussive style. More next month.... Dave

I have seen you once at the Cross Keys and think you are a good act. I am writing to tell you of my allotment in Morley. I grow mainly peas and carrots, although I am now getting interested in the rarer type of vegetables, which are too expensive to buy in shops, such as Asparagus (although these take a couple of years to get a plant established, before you can actually harvest your first crop). I see you are playing again at the Cross Keys later this year. I will bring some of my veg for you to have a taste (much better than the supermarkets' bland crap. If your other readers are interested, can they let me know via your site and I will make this a regular feature. Cheers, Martin from Morley